Learning Curve

Lessons from Waiting...

2012-02-13T22:19:00.003-07:00

I am waiting… waiting to get better, after nearly 2 weeks of bronchitis. There was another time, two decades ago, when I also waited to get better – that was a 7 year wait, imposed by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This present battle is measured thankfully, in days, not years.

Much of my life has been spent waiting: waiting to grow up… waiting for college to begin… waiting to be asked on a date… waiting for his phone call… waiting for his proposal… waiting for that blessed wedding night… waiting for him to come home… waiting for infertility to somehow be transformed into a fertile home for a child… waiting for labor to begin…waiting for it to be over!

Waiting for sick children to get well… waiting for them to sleep through the night… waiting for their first word, and the next… waiting for their first steps… waiting in wonder, watching them grow, feed themselves, tie their shoes, learn to read, do their chores, make their beds, go to bed… waiting for that first performance in the choir or on the piano, that first date… waiting for them to graduate, find a job, marry, have their own children… waiting and watching, through all the choices that make up their lives.

Today I’ve waited for the doctor to finally get around to me, in what is aptly called the “waiting room.” It is part of life – this waiting.

I have waited, like everyone else for the light to turn green, for the first person in line at the turn signal to go already, so the rest of us can get through. I have waited for concerts to begin and for them to end! I have waited for dinner guests to arrive, for Christmas to come, for winter to be over, for school to start, for summer vacation.

When I can’t have what I want, I wait, hoping to get it. When I lose what I had, I wait for the pain of the loss to go away.

I have waited for peace, for the anger, the rage, the hatred to go away. I have waited for the sobbing to turn to just tears.

I have waited, bearing the burdens of those I count dear… waiting for them to become who they so desperately want to be. And I have waited on myself: to stop disappointing me.

I have waited on God: waited for Him to answer long-prayed prayers. I await Jesus’ promised return. I wait impatiently at times for heaven, with anticipation and great longing, but also with a bit of fear, since I’ve never been there.

I have waited patiently in almost total selflessness, with quiet worship and wonder, in stillness, confidence and peace. I have also waited with impatient, self-focused irritation and foot-tapping. And I have waited in great angst, with heart-racing, finger-twisting desperation. However, the weariness of my waiting turns, albeit slowly, to hope and anticipation, when I allow God to speak to my soul. “Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” Jesus said.

The Psalmist knew about waiting. He spoke often about waiting on the Lord, because his hope was in God… because God’s name is good… because God would deliver. He spoke of waiting quietly and patiently, only on God… waiting all the day... waiting for His salvation. Lamentations even says the Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him.

There are a number of Hebrew words for waiting, and their meanings vary from hoping, looking for, expecting, lingering for, longing for… to being in anguish, writhing, bringing forth, as in childbirth. This is the work of waiting – a deliberate choice to turn to God, instead of self, instead of others. Choosing Him above and instead of….

When I wait for the Lord, something happens inside. There’s a transformation… from impatience to patience, from discouragement to hope. Something happens to my perspective – it’s no longer so self absorbed, so temporal. I experience His goodness, His hope. My waiting turns to trust, even if it does not start there.

I have concluded that waiting is good. Waiting reminds me it’s not all about me… I don’t have to have what I want when I want it. The daily rituals of waiting remind me to wait on the Lord… to wait for Him… to worship Him… to treasure what He gives when He gives it… and most of all, to treasure Him.

If Only You Knew

2012-01-02T13:55:00.005-07:00

"Give me a drink," the Man said.
"If only you knew...
If only you knew why I came here today -
I came just for you."

She did not know,
and her eyes could not see
beyond what she thought
was her immediate need.

But as they spoke, her heart was stirred,
and her thirst grew
for the One who knew
where she'd been...what she'd done.

She was tired. She was weary...
drinking from wells that were dry;
broken wells that made promises
but only lied.

"I am the fountain of living water."
He said this a long time ago.
"You're thirsty for me.
This is what I want you to know."

And then...she knew!
She believed, and she drank;
and a fountain of living water sprang within her.
His promise was true!

Others would drink,
but her well would not run dry;
for the Man who was thirsty,
was Himself the Water of Life.

A Reminder

2011-11-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

Our two recent snowstorms resulted in a lot of damage – broken branches all over campus and throughout town; trees left with gaping holes and brown, shriveled up leaves. And yet, as I drove and walked, camera in hand, I was amazed by the beauty that could be found.
The stark contrast of snow against still brilliant red, yellow, orange and even green leaves… ice melting and glistening in the sun… evergreens draped in Christmas card perfection…. I felt like a child again, in love with the wonder of winter… and in love with my Creator, my Redeemer. The words from Isaiah’s ancient text whispered in my ear, “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.”
As our city cleans up from these storms, I am reminded of the storm of sin that raged in my life: the brokenness… the mess… and the wonder of what the Lord cleaned up in my soul. Indeed, though my sins were like scarlet, He made them as white as snow.

The Sufficiency of God

2010-11-02T11:13:00.003-06:00

Recently, one of our small groups studied God's sufficiency. Starting with Psalm 90:2, I learned that God has been "from everlasting to everlasting." God existed from before time and space, when there was nothing else in existence. He needs nothing to sustain Himself; He is truly self-sufficient, having within His own being all that He needs. Everything He created is dependent upon Him for its very existence. God graciously extends His sufficiency to His creation, sustaining and redeeming it.

We exist only because He allows us to. I cannot sustain my own life, cause my heart to beat, my brain to function, my eyes to see, or my ears to hear. My lungs do not breathe at my command, nor do I walk or talk simply because I choose to do so. I am dependent upon my Creator for all of these basic functions. All that I think is in my power, is really just on loan from the Only One who truly has power over life and death. Not only can I not sustain my life, I cannot redeem my soul; I cannot know God apart from His revelation; nor can I raise myself from the dead.

But, GOD CAN! He is sufficient. He is enough. Here's my short list:

His life is sufficient to give me life.

His love is sufficient to claim me.

His blood is sufficient to wash my sins.

His power is sufficient to keep my soul.

His spirit is sufficient to comfort and teach me.

His strength is sufficient to empower me.

His grace is sufficient to transform my weaknesses.

His comfort is sufficient to redeem my losses.

His resurrection is sufficient to raise me from the dead.

And so, this little summary is not sufficient to describe God's sufficiency! It is merely a glimpse into what I am learning... and I stand in awe of who He is.... my God, the all-sufficient One.

Trusting God....

2010-10-27T11:44:00.004-06:00

I came across these two quotes and a poem today, on the blog of a friend-of-a-friend: they are from Nicki Kozlowski, whose blog is: http://mrskozlowskisblog.blogspot.com/

"Then Hwin, though shaking all over, gave a strange little neigh and trotted across to the lion. "Please," she said, "You're so beautiful. You may eat me if you like. I'd sooner be eaten by you than fed by anyone else."
~C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

"Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him." Job 13:15

What Will Consume You?

Though the good fight might leave me battered and bruised,
I want it all spent and utterly used.

I think that's the lesson in the steward's talent buried deep,
He thought, "Better to save, to hide, and to keep."

But the master, sore, vexed, cried, "Spend it, you fool!
"It's not yours to start with. It's only a tool!"

No works doctrine here, just a plea for more grace,
To turn from self-preserving and finish the race.

When He calls, may my pockets be empty and my arrows be in flight,
"Here I am! Throw me in! Let me swim toward the light!"

For I want to wash up on that beautiful shore,
Just a few rags and bones and a smile evermore.”
~Author Unknown~

I am so grateful for these quotes and poem, from this friend-of-a-friend, and am prompted to fall to my knees and whisper, "Yes, Lord, I will trust You. I will trust You with my life, my loved ones, our health, our finances, our decisions, our relationships, and our work. Consume all that is not from Your hand."

Thoughts on Conflicts

2010-10-14T12:11:00.000-06:00

No one likes conflict ~ least of all, me! I don't like my heart racing, my eyes welling with tears, my hands going clammy, my emotions running helter-skelter. I don't like being mis-understood and not liked. I don't like being understood and not liked. In the midst of a conflict, I rarely think: oh, joy! an opportunity to learn and grow! I like closure. I like resolution. I like peace, and security, and sameness, and warm, cozy feelings.

After 30 years of marriage to one man, however, I am beginning to sense the richness of opportunity that conflicts provide. I've married a really good man... a really good, but flawed human being, with whom I rarely see eye-to-eye. "Wow, we're so different!" can be heard often around our house. Our differences create minor conflicts; it's our inherent selfishness that creates the major ones. Because we're committed to loving one another for all of this life, time and time again, we have the opportunity to learn and grow because of conflicts. Love requires it.

What does he need? How is he feeling? What is he thinking? How can I see from his perspective? These are questions I'm learning to ask when nothing about him makes sense... when I'm tempted to ask, "Who IS this man?! And tell me again, WHY did I marry him?!" Oh, I know why I married him; and even when I can't figure out who he is at the moment, I do know this man. I know I can trust him. And, so it is in that context of loving commitment, that we resolve our conflicts.

Sometimes we reconcile our relationship without the conflict itself being resolved. We agree to disagree, respectfully. We never name-call. We never say "never" or "always." Never. And we give one another emotional space. Our conflicts no longer threaten the very fabric of our relationship. Being at odds, is just part of the ebb and flow of our life together. I have learned that being us, is more important than being right; and that forgiveness is a continual offering between us.

Thoughts (rather long) on Fear

2010-08-19T14:47:00.029-06:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately…. my own fears, and those of ones I love. Why is fear so paralyzing? so deadly, sucking the life out of hopes and dreams, and making the everyday stuff of life seem rather pointless?

Fear brings sorrow. It enslaves, It takes but does not give. It is, in fact, a thief. It destroys relationships or at least destroys their joy. It is controlling, and it is greedy for more control.

I think fear is rooted in a self-centered focus…. a perspective that can not or will not see beyond self: what I think; what I can control; what I understand; what I want; what I think I have to have to survive. It is grasping, clinging, manipulating.

Fear is, at its core, a perspective on life that excludes what God says. It excludes what He says about who I am, the value His love has given me, and His promises for the future.

Faith, on the other hand, is God-focused…. it is a perspective that believes what it can not see, trusting the One who created, sustains, redeems, transforms, and promises eternal life. What He thinks, all that He controls, understands and wants becomes paramount. He becomes what I have to have to survive.

Fear spawns anxiety and crippling worry. It creates an environment of self-protection rather than disclosure. And it can turn into hatred…. hatred of self, hatred of others… Faith, on the other hand, always fosters love. It fosters hope, courage, confidence, a willingness to be open and vulnerable. Fear says, “protect yourself; no one else has your back.” Faith says, “It’s safe here; you are loved.”

We live in fear of pain, sorrow, ultimately – death. We live in fear of rejection, blatant and subtle. Fears come in all shapes and sizes. Some are overwhelmingly big. Others are manageably small. And yet, even the “little” fears bring with them a thousand little deaths. Fears often revolve around the question: “What if…..” You fill in the blank.

“What if there is a BoogieMan under my bed?”
“What if my best friend moves away?”
“What if my parents divorce?”
“What if I’m not dressed appropriately for this occasion?”
“What if they don’t like me? What if they really don’t like me?”
“What if I fail this test, therefore this class, and therefore don’t graduate?”
“What if I graduate and don’t have a clue what I want to do?”
“What if I can not find a job?”
“What if I lose my job?”
“What if the right man doesn’t come along…. and soon?”
“What if the right man somehow becomes the wrong man after we’re married?”
“What if we can’t have children? What if we have so many I can’t cope?”
“What if it’s cancer?”
“What if I gain lots of weight in middle age and lose his admiration?”
“What if we out-live our income?”
“What if our children are a disappointment?”
“What if my life doesn’t really matter?”
“What if…. What if….. What if…. ???

Some people go through life coping with their “what if’s?” reasonably well, without a confidence in Someone outside themselves. But apart from a secure relationship with our Maker, the greatest “What if….” becomes stark reality in death: “What if there is heaven and hell? And what if I miss heaven?” Hebrews 2:15 acknowledges this ultimate fear: “…. who through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage.” Only the Giver of life itself, can take away fear of death, replacing it with the hope of eternal life in His presence.

Those who live this life separated from eternal confidence, must replace it with temporal and fleeting confidences, hopes and false faith. They live a life pretending all will be well; that they are the master of their own fate. Their apparent lack of fear is an illusion. They should be afraid, but aren’t.

Those of us who have reason to hope and live in great confidence, are often the ones who are afraid, when our fears are not actually based in Reality. We truly have nothing to fear. The One who promises an eternity in His Presence, because He has forgiven us, also promises His Presence for all of this life.

“Have I not commanded you: be strong and of a good courage. Be not afraid; neither be dismayed, for the Lord thy God is with you wherever you go.” (the Lord’s words to Joshua in chapter 1:8)

“…and lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (Matt. 28:20)

Jesus spoke with similar strength to his disciples, as He walked toward them on the water: “It is I – be not afraid.” (Matthew 14:27)

It is the very Presence of God that dispels our fears.

David found deliverance from His fears by deliberately seeking the Lord: “I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:8) He took the time to spend time with the Lord, whose Presence dispelled his fears.

John captured the essence of freedom from fear: “Perfect love casts out fear.” (I John 4:18) It is the power of God’s Presence and His perfect love for us that casts out fear.

According to 2 Timothy 1:7, "God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Sometimes my mind doesn't feel so sound; I feel weak, not powerful; I'd rather not love others; and my fears feel overwhelming. These thoughts and emotions and not God-given; but they can be transformed by His Holy Spirit, if I willingly choose to submit myself to Truth.

I am encouraged by these words, and motivated to seek Him, spending time in His Presence. My fears fade when exposed to the power of His words, His promises, His perfect love, His very life.

So, back to my “What if…?” list.... In the final analysis, the answer to each of those questions is a rather loud, “So what?! God is with me. That is what matters most.” His Presence dispels unfounded as well as very real fears. And in the midst of the emotion of fear, it is still His Presence, what He says, what He does, that matters most. The fact that I am and will always be in His Presence gives me a confidence that no one and no circumstance can steal.

I Love What We Do!

2010-05-12T12:48:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking lately about how full our lives are! Full of people we have loved, and who have graciously loved us. As we share our heart and home with college-age men and women, we have received so much more than we have given. The risk we take, the price we pay, truly seem negligible, in comparison to what we receive for our investment. I love what we do!

Learning More About Love....

2010-05-12T12:35:00.004-06:00

No one says it quite like C.S. Lewis! He wrote in The Four Loves:
"Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as 'Careful! This might lead you to suffering.'
To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.…
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Lessons from Mentoring

2010-04-06T13:34:00.014-06:00

I am privileged to know some lovely ladies ~ college-age women ~ who are allowing me to make an investment in their lives and futures. Sometimes we call it discipling, sometimes mentoring or coaching. Each of these women want to follow Jesus, and so together we learn from Him and grow. Since I'm the older, more experienced one, it is my role to guide, challenge, question, encourage, and support these younger friends.
Though not professionally trained to mentor or coach, my husband and I both have college degrees and have successfully raised two sons. We've also been involved with college students for a nearly three decades. This gives me confidence that I have something of value to offer these women. I'm a committed life-long-learner, and relish learning with them, as well as sharing my life with them.
And so, I have learned:
*The most important gift I bring "to the table" is a heart that is passionately confident in the potential of each of these women... and a heart that is passionately concerned with their personal growth and development.
*Each of these women has an unfolding story; a story that needs to be told and heard...and retold and heard again.
*As women tell and retell their stories, they hear truth echoing in their own lives, and I can help them hear what they might not hear by themselves.
*Asking questions communicates respect; listening carefully to the answers communicates even more respect.
*It's not where we're at in the journey that matters as much as the direction we're going.
*I prefer being a sounding board to being an advisory board.
*Giving advice very sparingly is good advice.
*I am not responsible for the choices of others.
*I do not need to be intimidated by someone half my age.
*I do need to apologize when I have (even unintentionally) offended others.
*I have what most women want, and can help them figure out how to get it.
*If I don't have what they want, I can help them decide what goals they do want to pursue.
*One of my priorities is helping them discover, understand, and embrace who they are in Christ.
*Relationships are my highest value. They matter far more to me than what we "cover."
*Mentoring is alot like raising children; it's just not as expensive or time-consuming, nor do I lose as much sleep.
*The sweetness of my marriage gives me a platform for mentoring.
*Women love to talk! Most women think by talking.
*Talking is always more enjoyable with something to drink, and usually more enjoyable with something to eat.
*Creating a safe place for young women to think out loud about life is worthwhile.
*Spending time together in my home meets intangible needs.
*Praying together is just about as sweet as it gets this side of heaven.
*We learn best what we are hungry, even desperate to know.
*I can create a hunger in others for Truth by sharing my own hunger.
*Helping these women be interdependent, rather than dependent or independent, gives them stability.
*By refreshing others, I am indeed refreshed!

The Gift of Marriage

2010-02-14T21:52:00.003-07:00

Our Jason and dear Whitney married January 2, 2010. Brad performed the ceremony. Brett played beautiful piano music. Mom chatted, smiled and wept at appropriate moments. Thank God for His gift of marriage!

A New Season

2009-08-11T15:52:00.006-06:00

[Photo by Michael Lyon]
We are entering a new season of life, as our youngest son recently proposed to the lovely lady in his life. We adore her, and are delighted that God is bringing them together. His proposal was one of the most precious I've ever heard, and makes me exceedingly proud of him. I know they will have difficult days ahead, whether self-inflicted or from without.... but this season is filled with joy, anticipation, and wonder. We are privileged to play a part in this unfolding story of their lives. In a few months, I will be "mother-of-the-groom," and will have a beautiful daughter-in-law. And I sincerely wonder, does it get any better than this?!

I fell in love with Cambridge....

2009-05-23T02:19:00.040-06:00

This remarkable city with its centuries old churches, cathedrals, colleges, homes, and traditions, seems vibrant and cold at the same time... very, very old, yet modern.... crowded and noisey, and yet spacious and serene. It is a city of enticing contrasts.

It is also a city frustratingly difficult in which to find one's way, with it's winding, narrow streets, round-abouts, and cars parked either direction on both sides; motorcyclists who can pass anyone, anywhere at anytime, and double-decker busses that seem intent on hunting down pedestrians, rather than transporting them. Driving on the "wrong" side of the street is bewildering, if not dangerous. And bicyclists darting in and out of traffic add to the dangerous bewilderment.

It is a city of varied ethnicities. Our bed and breakfast host, Gregor, is from Krakow, Poland. Alex, who guided our punt down the River Cam, is originally from Ireland and graduated from Cambridge. The young man who prepared my sandwich at Subway is from Romania. We also met an exceedingly friendly lady from Australia, and children touring from France, who delighted in practicing, "Hello; how are you?" "How are you?" I responded to one particularly adorable middle school girl; she giggled as she replied, "I am French!"

It is also a city of British. The electrician, who fixed the broken heating system at our B&B, has lived in Cambridge all his life. To him, this gorgeous city is just home. He was a bit rough around the edges, but most of the British we met were polite and only slightly reserved in their friendliness. I would actually say they were "warm." They preferred to be addressed, rather than just spoken to, i.e., it was best to say "Excuse me," instead of just talking at them.

All around us, the British were speaking an English different from my own, in accent, and in specific words: what we call drug store is "the chemist," and our doctor's office is "surgery." (This one really threw me: when Brett developed a chest cold, our host suggested we take him to "surgery, just down the road," and brought his own supply of medicine for his "chesty cough." Surgery sounded a little radical to me, until we figured out it was simply the doctor's office.) Other British-isms include: "pop out," when someone steps out of the building for a moment or two; "mind the step" or "mind your head" mean to watch where you're going. A carry out box is a "take away box." They go on "holiday," not vacation, and drive on the "motorway," not the "highway." I would love to live in Cambridge for a year just to enjoy their version of English.

This is a city steeped in religiosity, with colleges named Jesus, Trinity, Christ, St. John's, and Magdalene. Jesus also has his own lane and a lock; Trinity has its own lane and street; and Magdalene has a bridge and street! There are numerous churches: Church of St. Mary the Less, Great St. Mary's Church, Church of the Holy Sepulchre, and All Saints Church (these saints also have their own gardens and passage). Oh, yes, and St. Peter has his own terrace. It seems sac-religious rather than truly spiritual. We attended church Sunday morning at St. John's Chapel, a beautiful cathedral complete with angels disguised as a boys' choir. We knelt, sat, stood, read, sang, and listened, trying to follow the liturgy and traditions. All the while, God seemed very far away, and I was tempted to ask out loud, "Are You here?" I reminded myself that my feelings do not define reality; God was, indeed present.

I love this city, with its unique street names: King, Castle, Bridge and Market,as well as Trumpington, Bath, Lambourn Close, Mill and Shelford Road (where we stayed). I loved shopping with pounds and pence and fivers. I absolutely loved snuggling under my own duvet at night, and having hot hard-boiled eggs for breakfast, along with toast, and of course, tea! I loved watching old men and old women riding bicycles with their baskets filled with treasures, as well as university students hurrying to formal dinner in their robes. Most of all, I loved punting down the River Cam.

And so, I fell in love with this city of contrasts, this ancient, modern, peculiar, stunningly beautiful, eclectic, religious, secular city.

2009-05-23T02:00:00.002-06:00

2009-05-23T01:57:00.003-06:00

Visiting Brett's Cambridge

2009-05-23T01:48:00.016-06:00

Seeing Cambridge through Brett's eyes was truly a gift. He plans to defend his dissertation in September, receiving his doctorate in linguistics. It seems surreal. He lived there two years; our trip lasted only 5 days. He showed us everything special to him, and I took pictures of all that and more. A few times, he gently said, "Mom, put your camera away; you can't take pictures here." The university has rules about photographs and who can be in certain places, and even about who can walk on which grassy areas.
I sensed the whole time that I could easily live there, and live just to take pictures! I felt overwhelmed by the creative possibilities. So little time; so many photographs! I actually felt greedy; I wanted to capture it all and hold the beauty tightly. I learned something about grasping and about letting go; about coveting and conversely, being content. The beauty of this very old city has already been well documented, but I wanted to capture it, just for the sheer joy of doing so. Our camera served me well, and I did, indeed capture some of the beauty of Cambridge. Mission accomplished. Some photos turned out well; a few had to be discarded; and some are quite remarkable in capturing what really was visible.... these I consider my "accidental photography." I wonder if heaven will feel overwhelming in its beauty and scope; I wonder if we will patiently explore or greedily try to soak it all in at once. And I wonder what will take the place of my camera in heaven?

2009-05-23T01:47:00.003-06:00

2009-05-23T01:46:00.003-06:00

2009-05-23T01:46:00.001-06:00

Cambridge and Heaven

2009-05-23T01:45:00.011-06:00

Our brief time in Cambridge gave me a glimpse into Heaven. Cambridge has a beauty that is overwhelming, and I couldn't help but wonder if Heaven will be even more overwhelming in its beauty. But then, perhaps we won't overwhelmed at all, because that carries with it a sense of frustration.... and I really can't imagine being frustrated by anything in Heaven.

There are gates everywhere in Cambridge; visitors and tourists are not allowed beyond these gates without being with the right person. When we first arrived at King's College, Brett told the porter (guard) at the gate, that he wanted to see his advisor, a professor in that college. He showed him his Cambridge identification, and the porter allowed us in. I was struck by the fact that we didn't get in on our own merit, but on Brett's. It also intrigued me that Brett was only allowed in because he knew the name of his advisor and asked to see him. If we had gone without Brett, we would have been turned away. And if Brett had simply asked to get in as a student of Trinity, not King's College, he also would have been turned away. When we get to heaven, I wonder if we will stand at the gate and ask to see Jesus. Actually, I wonder if it will be Jesus, Himself, who will meet us and welcome us in.

The pleasure visiting Cambridge brought me is almost indescribable, although I have tried. I carry in my mind images and experiences that were worth every penny (pound) we spent. And I suspect I shall happily think about this trip for the rest of my life. Yet, as lasting as these memories will be, they are just part of my very temporal life on this earth. There is, I believe, a greater purpose, and I am reminded of John Piper's words, "This, then, is the point of all pleasure.... Pleasure says, 'God is like this, only better; do not make an idol of me; I simply point.'" And so, my experience of Cambridge was not an end in itself, but a means to an end; it points me to God, the Giver of all that is good on this earth, and the One who invites me to experience Him forever.... now THAT will be Heaven.

Grief

2009-04-06T19:01:00.008-06:00

Today I sat with my friend who was grieving.... not an actual death, but the death of a relationship. Her tears were precious, her anger: reasonable, and her pain: tangible. My heart hurt, but hers was broken. Her faith in another human being: shattered. It happened so quickly. How can a friendship that is more than a friendship, be destroyed in a matter of hours? Yes, she gave her heart too quickly, trusted too implicitly, but how many of us have not done the same? And so, we shared tears and words, comfort and prayer.... and she left to go back to her world. Life goes on. The sun shone this morning, proving the end of the world had not come. The end of her world has not come. She will be ok; in fact, she will be fine. Her family and girlfriends will be more important to her now, as she leans into the pain that will come and go, and her heart heals. She will be up and down: fine one day, but not the next.... and then one day, there will simply be no more pain, tears, or anger. Maybe she will find true love before that happens; maybe after. But she will love again, of that I am certain. And the man she loves will treasure her heart, not break it.

Home, Sweet Home!

2009-03-19T16:55:00.007-06:00

Over Spring Break, we flew back to Illinois to help my dad celebrate his 85th birthday. While there, we visited the farm where I grew up. Our oldest son came with us, and I loved watching him soak in the beauty of early spring in northern Illinois, as he walked the hills of that gorgeous farm. I no longer have such a mix of emotions.... just happiness that I had the privilege of growing up in the country, and happiness for the family now living there. I'm content, for once in my life (!) with who I am, and where I am.

My Dad's 85th Birthday Party

2009-03-15T21:16:00.005-06:00

This evening, after my dad's 85th birthday party, he thanked us repeatedly, and then commented, "This is my first birthday party." No one should have to live 85 years before having a birthday party thrown in their honor! My heart is happy, knowing he is happy. A party isn't a party without people, and gracious friends from the neighborhood, church and the Gideons, as well as a couple relatives, all came in his honor. My cousin, Elaine, exclaimed on her way out, "I'll be here for your 90th!"

Peggy's Funeral

2009-03-09T20:54:00.005-06:00

Funerals are always a mix of emotions for me. I seldom get through without at least a few tears, and today was no exception. Peggy died at a nursing home and was 76 years old. She had lived a life of loving God and others faithfully, and is remembered with grateful hearts. Her last years were spent in the agony of Alzheimer's, and her family and very close friends were forced to say a gradual goodbye long before her actual death. Saying goodbye is never easy, but prolonged farewells are all the more painful. And so her family rejoices that she is freed from the disease that imprisoned her mind and body; but weep, because they miss her, and have missed her for some time.

It's rather a shame that we cannot be present at our own funerals, to see the love expressed in tears, hear the kind remembrances and visit with everyone who has come to celebrate our lives. But then, that will be part of the remarkable joy of Heaven, when we will be whole, and goodbyes will be a thing of the past. "No more night, no more pain; no more tears, never cryin' again," as one songwriter put it.

And so, once again, this funeral brought tears as well as laughter, as we celebrated a life well-lived, and I contemplated my own demise and deliverance from this life to that Eternal. I am grateful to Peggy for her life, and to her family for the tender transparency of their grief... And I am grateful for the mix of emotions that I felt... for the longing in my heart to live life well and then to go Home.

A Random 25....

2009-01-27T14:34:00.014-07:00

I'm "borrowing" this idea from my niece, Marissa, who btw, has a delightful blog at puppydogtails.wordpress.com. This idea is the 25-random-things-about-me note many are now posting on Facebook. I love lists, so the idea of writing one with twenty-five random things about me caught my attention. Here goes:
1. I love to write, blog, take photographs, eat, read and be with my sweetheart.
2. My two grown sons bring me a deep sense of satisfaction and hope for the future.
3. My relationship with the Lord brings me my greatest hope for the future.
4. I think socialism is inherently destructive, as proven by history. Watching our nation slide toward socialism makes me crazy. I might have to give up politics-watching for Lent to regain a bit of sanity.
5. I love my husband deeply... after 28+ years.
6. Living in Colorado is one of life's great pleasures, though sometimes I desperately miss the cornfields of northern Illinois.
7. I took the zig-zag approach to getting a college degree, many, many years ago, finally finishing, after 8 years, 3 schools, 3 majors and 2 years off in the middle to work full time... I didn't have a clue who I was.
8. I've now had the privilege of mentoring college students for a couple of decades; it has brought me a great deal of laughter and growth and perspective.
9. I'm hoping that reading mystery novels and watching suspense films keeps my mind from turning to mush as I age.
10. I've had a voice disorder called spasmodic dysphonia for well over a decade. Sometimes it's very frustrating. It started in the early l990's, when I battled Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFS for short).
11. I love cloudy, damp days, since we normally get 300+ days of sunshine every year. (sorry, I know I'm gloating)
12. I can't wait to have daughters-in-law and become a nana someday!
13. I actually don't mind growing older, despite the losses; I've gained something better in return.... but some days, I don't quite remember what that is.
14. I always have and always will, love shopping... even for just groceries. And when I shop, I make a list of my lists. (I am slightly OCD.)
15. My favorite color is still navy blue, though my entire house is no longer decorated in it.
16. Our new hobby of maintaining a 3500 gallon water feature is not one I would choose again. Ask me if I care whether the Koi live or die...
17. Fresh, organic spinach is one of my favorite foods. I would really and truly rather eat a spinach salad with honey mustard dressing and bean sprouts than pizza!
18. I absolutely love going to a decent movie with my husband. Sometimes I take a big purse and, you know, sneak in the popcorn and Mountain Dew.
19. I also absolutely love eating out. We take turns going to his favorite/my favorite, since this is one more area on which we never agree. He goes for the food; it's the atmosphere I'm hungry for.
20. I am a closet messy, though my house is always tidy.
21. I am learning to be a better listener and ask thoughtful questions of others.
22. Having my own laptop is sheer delight! It is one of the most generous gifts my husband ever got me; and it wasn't even my birthday or Christmas or Valentine's or our anniversary or.....
23. The freedom and quiet of our empty nest are a nice balance for some of the losses of this season of life. I call it our "empty love-nest," and it's not the least bit lonely.
24. I love having my husband read to me.
25. I am not afraid of bad news, nor do I live in dread of what may happen; for I have settled in my mind that Jehovah will take care of me. (Ps. 112:7)

New Year's Questionnaire

2009-01-12T22:44:00.019-07:00

I found an interesting questionnaire on throughmylookingglass.blogspot.com/ and have "tweaked" it a bit... adding a few questions/subtracting a few.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I started blogging!
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions in 2008?
I don't even remember if I had any!
3. Have you made resolutions for this year?
considering my past track record, why should I?
4. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Eva Cassidy's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
feet that no longer ache
6. What dates from 2008 will remain etched in your memory and why?
Brad's 60th birthday party on December 20th; over 60 dear friends helped us celebrate; our little house was wall-to-wall people; Brad was totally surprised.
7. What was God's greatest blessing to you in 2008?
relationships with students at CSU
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
memorizing a 5 verses a week for 8 weeks; blogging;
9. What was your biggest failure?
being impatient
10. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
having a bigger capacity
11. What do you want God to do for you in 2009?
I would LOVE it, if God healed my voice and feet.
12. How do you want Him to use you to bless others in 2009?
I want my life to be a sweet aroma to everyone around me.
13. What did you really, really, really get excited about last year?
being a part of students' lives
14. What was a valuable life lesson from 2008?
it takes patience to become patient; what I feed grows
15. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
drawing a blank on this one; I'll come back to it.
16. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hettie and Katie
17. Did anyone close to you die?
Aunt Esther
18. What countries did you visit? ok, how about a state?
Florida
19. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
virtually every politician and "celebrity"
20. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Whitney Wells! donating her kidney to her uncle
21. Where did most of your money go?
food and mortgage
22. What was the best thing you bought?
our Florida vacation and my laptop!
23. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier/sadder? thinner/fatter? richer/poorer? wiser/sillier?
H/F/R/W
24. What do you wish you'd done more of?
praying and reading
25. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching TV
26. How did you spend Christmas?
at home w/ the fam
27. Did you fall in love in 2008?
my husband, all over again
28. What was your favorite TV program?
"Murder, She Wrote"
29. What was the best book you read?
Woman of Influence, by Pam Farrell
30. Did you have a favorite Scripture in 2008?
I Peter 1:8-9, about Jesus, "whom having not seen, you love; in whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing, you rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls."
31. What was your favorite film of the year?
"Narnia: Prince Caspian" and second fave: "Premonition"
32. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Eva Cassidy and playing piano with Whitney on the cello!
33. What did you want and get?
my own laptop
34. What did you want and not get?
younger, prettier, skinny again, feet that don't hurt, quieter neighborhood
35. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 56! Lunch at The Moot House with 9 girlfriends AND gifts (!) including a pampered pedi at TwoPair... and dinner out with my sweetheart.
36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
random recycled style
37. Who was the most interesting person you met?
both Whitneys!!
38. Who did you miss?
still missing Caryn (I will always miss Caryn) also Christin, Aimee, Hamilton's
39. What political issue stirred you the most?
the election! "just shoot me!"
40. What kept you sane?
sleeping with my sweetheart; laughing with Laura; blogging and taking pics

Childhood Memories

2008-12-20T08:42:00.008-07:00

This post is dedicated to my parents, whose faith and work ethic profoundly influenced who I am today. My dad was a dairy farmer in northern Illinois; my mom, a gifted homemaker. I grew up surrounded by acres and acres of cornfields, hills, gardens, a forest of trees, pets, and yes, dairy cattle. It was an idyllic childhood, created by God and the two people who gave me life. My older sister and I played for hours on end together, taking for granted our provision and protection. For those early years, I hadn't a care in the world. Oh, I had discipline and structure, chores and responsibilities.... but only what was age appropriate. I was given the freedom to be a child; this was part of the protection my parents gave me.
My dad worked very hard, quite literally, from sunrise to sundown, every day. We didn't take vacations; we didn't eat out at restaurants; we didn't buy lots of anything. We didn't need these luxuries. In reality, our greatest luxury was the daily enjoyment of the beauty that surrounded us, and the security and simplicity of our life.
When I was six, I started my formal education in a one-room school house. My beloved dog and I walked the quarter mile together, and she would return for me at the end of the school day. By third grade, this school was closed (and much later became someone's home). From this year on, I rode the bus to school in a small town nearby. And still, our border collie, Daisy, would faithfully meet me when the bus dropped me off at our mailbox a quarter mile from our home. My mother never failed to be at home when I arrived; all through high school, she was there every day, creating the atmosphere I so took for granted.
I am smiling, because I have a heart full of gratitude for the memories, the foundation my parents sacrificed to give my sister and me... memories that all fade together now, into the one warm and happy blur that was my childhood.

First Snow of the Season

2008-12-04T02:10:00.001-07:00

The giving of thanks....

2008-11-23T23:03:00.017-07:00

"For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes." --Dag Hammarskjold

This is my new favorite quote. I came across it in a book this evening, as my husband and I sat in the living room, in companionable silence, each absorbed in our own inner worlds of thought.

Yes, indeed "thanks." Thanks to God, who has given me life and every blessing I enjoy.... every trial, every sorrow, every challenge. And "for all that will be, yes." Yes! I will trust the One who is most trustworthy. I will embrace that which will be, with confidence, grace, and thanksgiving, knowing that this life is but the prequel to eternity. And therein lies the source of my gratitude: the promise of His Presence.

Thoughts on the election....

2008-11-06T21:01:00.030-07:00

Deep sigh.... the arduous process of electing our next president is finally over. Another even deeper sigh.... What I suspected was going to happen, did happen, and I'm left with sadness and a bit of bewilderment that our nation elected someone who is so clearly enamored with socialist ideas and scary friends.... someone who does not regard the sanctity of unborn human life.... someone who's voting record leaves no doubt as to his belief system and agenda. Unfortunately, our slide toward socialism is inevitable, as proven by this election. I truly believe the natural progression of any society is toward socialism, because man is at his core selfish, greedy and lazy. Socialism appeals to and preys upon our basest natures.

In watching the whole process, this is what I have learned:
A democratic republic is not a sacred form of government.
Our founding fathers' ideas and our constitution also are not sacred.
In fact, freedom is not sacred, nor should it be our god.
Just because we can choose who governs us, does not mean we will choose wisely.
Those who are not governed by wisdom will be governed by their own folly.
And finally, when I listen too often and too long to the media, I lose perspective.

Reading the Scriptures restores my perspective.
In chapter 4 of the book of Daniel, three times this statement appears: "...God rules the kingdom of men, and gives it to whomever He will..." And so, the course our nation has chosen is still somehow under the sovereign control of the One who governs the universe. Therein lies my consolation. And my hope for the future is certainly not in men or in our form of government, or in our nation, but in the God who promises eternal freedom for those who will choose to be governed by Him.

Ultimately, "all kings shall fall down before Him: all nations shall serve Him." (Psalm 72:11) Another sigh.... this one of gratitude and confidence.

Fall in Colorado

2008-10-24T23:18:00.007-06:00

Fall is by far my most favorite of all seasons. When we lived in Montana for almost a decade, we never really had fall... we'd get end-of-summer-oh-here-comes-winter. We used to joke that Bozeman had two seasons: winter and "poor sledding." Now we've lived in Fort Collins for almost two decades, and enjoy year after year of Indian Summers, that in-between summer and fall season that can stretch from September through October. I love the cool mornings, warm days and cool nights. I love wearing sweaters. I love the vibrant colors, the crunch of the leaves underfoot, the magic of it all. I love dehydrating apples and simmering apples on the stove, and the smell of pumpkin spices. I love making that first soup of the season and using the fireplace for the first time. I love decorating for fall in every room of the house. Fall is the most wonderful of transitions, a gentle preparing for the harsh realities of winter... a lovely reminder of the creativity of our Creator, who gives us the beauty of this season just for sheer pleasure. In the words of The Doxology, "Praise God, from whom all blessings flow."

Lessons from transitions....

2008-09-16T14:43:00.005-06:00

Transitions are uncomfortable to say the least.
The uncertainties make me edgy.... a bit irritable.... downright crabby. I like routine and constancy, not change and disruption. I like lots of space, both physical and emotional. I like quiet and things "working out." I don't like the unexpected; I like to accurately anticipate what's coming next and be well-prepared for it. I am not in the least bit flexible. When those I love are facing challenging life transitions, I find myself empathizing by getting restless myself: I clean more and eat more and shop more... trying, I suppose, to bring order and comfort to my own life. And so this latest family transition resulted in cleaner bathrooms, an added pound or two, and new treasures in my closet. (My coping mechanisms come with their own liabilities.) So, here's to future transitions and times of uncertainty: I want to learn from them and prosper, not just survive. And I want to anticipate them with an open mind and heart, welcoming them for the lessons they bring and the growth that results.

Why mothers over 50 need to blog.... ha!

2008-09-12T11:54:00.004-06:00

Mothers over 50 are an amazing group of women: established, accomplished, disillusioned (a good thing) and most often wise! This wisdom comes painfully through years of making decisions and living with the consequences of those decisions. It also comes joyfully as we receive what we have pursued. This is, indeed, the harvest season, as we reap what we have sown in the lives of our husbands, grown children, and other relationships, finances and all aspects of work. Sharing our lives through our blogs is a delightful and creative avenue for the expression of these lessons.

Lessons from Memorizing Scripture

2008-09-05T12:25:00.002-06:00

Memorizing Scripture....
....helps me think about God;
....allows me to think God's thoughts instead of just mine all day long;
....transforms my thinking, clarifying what was confusing;
....helps me solve problems;
....gives perspective to all of life;
....brings life to my soul and peace to my mind.

Lessons from this summer's Bible study

2008-07-19T11:40:00.004-06:00

I've had a wonderful summer, and its highlight has been leading a weekly Bible study group of 8+ lovely young ladies. The couple hours we have spent together each week have brought me encouragement way down deep in my soul. Their energy and laughter, respect and concern for one another, along with heartfelt prayers for each other have portrayed the beauty of true fellowship. They have enlarged their circle of friendship to include me, and for that, I am the richer.
I have learned that:
"just" reading the Scriptures aloud together ministers to our souls....
praying together is of greater value than talking about our prayer requests....
eating some form of sugar together is always a good thing....
celebrating two baptisms is as good as it gets....
being available and well-prepared make up for the lack of other skills....
consistency is as important as variety....
when we sing, we sound like angels.

A woman in love....

2008-07-11T10:32:00.010-06:00

This morning, while dressing, I started thinking about the three men in my life, the One who gave them to me, and the fact that I am in love with them all.
I will forever be in love with my Creator, the One who loved me from before the foundations of the world. His love drew me in and gave me life, and has made all earthly relationships of eternal significance.
I consider myself one of the most fortunate women on the face of the earth.... all because of love.
My husband captured my heart over 28 years ago, and my sons captured their own places in my heart as soon as I learned I was pregnant with them. Loving them has given my life focus and depth; it has also broken my heart and required more patience than I've ever had. Loving them has brought me greater joy than I thought possible, and I have discovered that it truly IS more blessed to give than to receive. (It's also really nice to receive!) My once-little boys are now grown men who have given me an honored place in their own hearts.
It was my husband's strength, vision, laughter, drive, pursuit of God, commitment to serve others and hunger for me that kindled the love in my heart for him. And it is his continued strength, vision, laughter, drive, pursuit of God, commitment to serve others and hunger for me that keep the fire burning.
It was the reality of giving life to my sons that bound my heart to them. Someone said there is no human love stronger than that of a mother for her children; I think that someone was right. I would quite literally die for my sons. Thinking of them can move me to laughter or tears. And they are just around the corner from my every thought.
Having these three wonderful, exasperating, funny, irritating, gifted and precious men to love for this life has, to a large degree, made me the woman I am, a woman in love.

Lessons from my garden

2008-06-19T21:14:00.000-06:00

Gardening calms my soul and makes me smile.
Anyone can learn to garden.
Dirt is a good thing; working it is even better.
It takes 7 years to grow the perfect garden. (Martha)
Green goes with anything.
The only color I don't like is orange.
I plant and water ~ God gives growth.
Weeds are part of the curse; they grow without cultivation.
Controlling weeds takes alot of work; eradicating them? even more.
The seasons are all for my benefit and enjoyment. Each holds a different work.
Spring is my favorite season.
Winter provides rest for plants and gardener, alike.
The beauty of my garden is to be cherished and shared.

Lessons from raising sons

2008-06-18T17:31:00.001-06:00

No season lasts forever.
Little boys need their father. Big boys do too.
Loving their father was one of my greatest gifts to them.

Generally speaking, boys make more noise than girls.
Generalities have lots of exceptions.
No two children are alike.

We weren't raising boys; we were raising men.

Dirt, sand and books are good for a boy's soul; TV is not.
Computers are a landmine.
Reading to my sons and teaching them to read was sheer delight.
Buying G.A. Henty's historical novels in hardback was worth every penny.

Little boys like to sleep with their pets.
An outside dog is easier than an inside dog.
But an inside/outside dog is more fun.
They both bark.
Rabbits don't bark and are therefore great pets.
Where there is life, there is poop.

Letting go is a gradual process.

Only God can change a heart.
Every weakness has a flipside strength; every strength: a flipside weakness.
The saying: "Be aware of your weakness; but build on your strength," is a good one.
My sons indeed, caught more than they were taught.
When a child throws a fit, it's good if mommy doesn't.
The appeal process works.... sometimes.
Saying "I'm so sorry; will you forgive me?" to my sons doesn't cause them to lose respect.

Parenting is heartbreaking and humbling..... magical and maddening.

Exhaustion made me doubt my sanity.
Sometimes sleep matters more than ANYthing.

Parenting is the most spectacular and satisfying of undertakings.

There's a work only God can do in my sons. (I'm repeating myself.)
Praying is therefore more important than reading books on prayer or talking with my friends about my sons. I need to talk to God more, and my friends less.
My sons are my sons for a short while on this earth.
They are my brothers in Christ for all eternity.

Loving my sons imperfectly is perfectly acceptable.

Making decisions by faith carries with it an umbrella of protection.
Homeschooling allowed us to protect their innocence and love of learning.
Sending them to school allowed them to fight their own battles and grow up.
God protects little ones and big ones.
Every day, children need someone/something to love; something to think about; something to do.

No 16 year old should be behind the wheel of a $20,000 van.
No 16 year old boy should be allowed to be alone with a girl.
God answers prayer and protects 16 year olds.

My task of raising them is over, but my friendship and prayers will always be needed.

What goes around, comes around: and their turn is coming!

Lessons from taking photographs

2008-06-18T15:30:00.008-06:00

Capturing the beauty of what God has created is a privilege and brings me great joy.
Some people look better in person than on paper.
Some people look better on paper: these are called "photogenic."
The camera doesn't lie.
A photo does not give the whole picture.
I have "an eye" and often see life through a lens.
I want to make others happy by sharing this gift.
I also want to develop this gift.... pun intended.

Lessons from my aging father

2008-06-18T15:21:00.005-06:00

Independence is more important than safety.
Aging with grace and humility takes more courage than most of the rest of life.
"I don't need help," means "I don't need help."
Reminiscing is good for the soul.
The losses of old age are exceedingly painful and permanent for this life...
But this life is not permanent.
We reap what we sow.
We don't know what we've got 'til it's gone.
The elderly, especially those widowed, need hugs.
Being hard of hearing is not a choice made to irritate others.
If I live long enough, someday I too shall be old.
Cherish today.

Lessons from shopping

2008-06-18T15:15:00.001-06:00

Whoever said: "money can't buy happiness," didn't know where to shop!
Hunting and gathering are ancient traditions; now we call them shopping.
Everyone likes to own something new.
Little treasures bring as much pleasure as big ones.
Georgio Armani wears well second-hand.
I love to eat with my girlfriends, but prefer shopping alone.
Not buying ANYthing for a week is a good thing.

Re: my husband and shopping:
I honor my husband by not over-spending.
I also honor him by being grateful for his gifts, offering repeatd thanks, and never returning or exchanging them.
He appreciates me shopping FOR him, when I remember his sizes and tastes, and give him total freedom to have me return or exchange what he doesn't want.

Lessons from my girlfriends

2008-06-18T14:51:00.002-06:00

Calling Laura from the Atlantic...

Girlfriends meet needs my husband can't.
My girlfriends make me happy, filling my life with the gifts of good conversations, laughter, prayers, tears and memories.
Good conversation gets better with good food.
Laughter IS good medicine.
Age is not a barrier to friendship: my closest girlfriend is 22 years younger than I am, and I have good friends who are 22 years older!
I have more to offer now than I did a decade ago, because I've grown up!
Being interested in my girlfriends is more important than being "interesting."
Each of my girlfriends is part of the beautiful tapestry that is my life.
As we have served each other and served others, our own relationships have deepened.
We are strong when we stand shoulder-to-shoulder; speak to--not about; praise one another to others; complement, rather than compete or covet.
I am rich, indeed, because of these wonderful women.

Lessons from my marriage

2008-06-18T14:21:00.007-06:00

I still love hearing my
husband speak my name...although he prefers "Sweetie."
Leaning is a good thing; so is laughing. Wanting my husband reassures him.

Praying together before bed is a good thing.
Praying on our knees beside our bed is even better.
True intimacy takes time, over a period of time.
My husband can see my adoration or contempt or indifference in my eyes.
Verbalizing my frustration is more mature than slamming pots and pans, or doors!
Being reconciled is more important than being right.
We can reconcile our relationship even if we can't resolve the issue.
Having my husband order for me in a restaurant is one of life's sweetest luxuries.
It is possible to faithfully love just one man for a lifetime.
Being married makes me happy.

"For My Son"

2008-06-18T14:10:00.001-06:00

My task of raising him is over,
But my prayers will never cease.
As long as I am living,
I'll be on my knees!

So while my work is not yet done,
There's a work only You can do!
When he's tired, lonely, proud or scared,
Let him turn to You.

When my prayers are more tears than words,
And those tears fall like rain,
Draw my mother's heart to You,
Let my sacrifice be his gain.

And when the storm within his soul
Threatens to engulf him,
Calm the waters; give him courage;
Help him turn to You from sin.

Give him vision; give him wisdom
Until his journey is done.
Grant him joy in how You've made him!
This - my prayer, for my dear son.

~~originally written Dec 4, 2004~~

"Sunrise"

2008-06-18T11:45:00.001-06:00

I stepped out early this morning,
When it was still night, but hinting of day....
And felt like a child, eager to unwrap a birthday gift,
Yet having to wait.

This morning's sunrise was a slow unwrapping of color.
And in the end, I was not disappointed.
I marvelled at the magic....
God's indescribable creativity displayed yet again.

In less than an hour, the night sky
Was dramatically transformed into dawn,
And then, the magic was gone....
And the sky: just blue,
With a big, round ball of fire on its horizon.

Another day begun.....so quietly it came....
A loud, yet soundless whisper in the sky:
The silent shouting of heaven....
A glimpse of God.

Lessons from a chronic illness....

2008-06-16T17:48:00.003-06:00

For seven years in the 1990's, I battled Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, also known as CFIDS or more commonly, CFS. My husband and I refer to that season of our life together as "the dark years." The disease was triggered by sleep deprivation, a long-term undiagnosed thyroid deficiency and stress (including 3 moves in 18 months). This insidious illness deprived me of emotional and physical energy, and left me with very little to give my family, let alone those outside our four walls. My confidence took a downward spiral. Our sons were affected, our oldest, dramatically so. God's immeasurable grace, my husband's steadfastness, medical help, my determination to get better, and the loving support of a few friends, got us through..

I was left with a less-than-normal capacity and a voice disorder that had its beginnings during those dark years. But my immune system returned to normal, and my outlook on life improved. Losing my health lessened my grip on the "have-to's" of life. The following are the lessons I learned.

I do not "have to" understand what my Heavenly Father is doing in my life to trust Him.
He is God, and I am not.
He does not owe me any explanations.

I don't have to have my own way.
I don't have to be understood.
Being misunderstood is part of life.

I will not die from crying.

My worth is not related to my health; it is intrinsic and unchangeable. It is not based on what I can offer or accomplish, but simply on the fact of who my Maker is.
My feelings matter, but they're an indicator, not the sum total of reality.

It is possible for a marriage to survive a chronic illness, though most don't. The divorce rate is 75%.

It takes five years or longer to recover from CFS.... that's years, not months or weeks.

All of life was hard when I was sick.
I would rather be healthy than sick.

God's grace was and is sufficient.

"When Dreams Die"

2008-06-15T22:22:00.002-06:00

Some dreams die a sudden, violent death.
Others are slowly strangled by the harsh
realities of life.
And yet others, barely born, die in infancy:
beautiful, perfect, yet short-lived.

When dreams die, hope dies.
Mourning takes its place,
and dark disappointment,
its only companion.

When dreams die, the empty soul
Screams out in silent pain....
and waits....
and hopes....
And dares to once again: Dream!

written 2/1/97

Happy Anniversary to My Sweetheart!

2008-05-24T22:22:00.004-06:00

On the 28th anniversary of our marriage, I once again renew my promise to love you for all of this life.
I promise to continue striving to conform my beliefs to God's truth, gaining control of my outlook, emotions and happiness. I take sole responsibility for my beliefs, with the understanding that they, not you, determine my emotions, expectations and actions. Thus, I lift from you the burden of being responsible for me.
I promise to be filled by God. I will keep Him in my heart as my source of joy and love. I will strive to conform to His image and follow all His commands, especially the one to love you and care for you all the days of my life.
I promise to look for God's best in every trial. I will call on the power of Christ to expose my weaknesses and transform them into strengths. Whatever difficulty comes our way, from within or without, I will trust Him to work it for our good, conforming us to His image. No difficulty will destroy my love for you.
I promise to become a better lover, cherishing our intimacy of body, mind and soul, giving myself to you as no one else can. I will keep myself only unto you and give myself more unto you!
I promise to listen more and chatter less, taking into consideration your opinions, feelings, needs and beliefs. I will be open with you in communicating my heart and will consider your feelings and needs as I do so.
I promise to joyfully serve you all the rest of my life. I will fight my tendencies towards selfishness, and focus on keeping you, your needs and your goals before me. As your helpmate, I will serve you willingly and wholeheartedly, remembering that God created me for you, to help you fulfill His call on your life.
I will, with all sincerity, work at loving you better than I have these first 28 years. May God grant us another 28! ~~My heart is yours.